When first I had the idea to start this blog, I had no real intention of following through. I had an idea, I thought it was cool, I talked about it some with a few people who also thought it was cool, and I thought I would leave it at that. Like every other plan I have ever had in my life, there was little to no motivation to stick to my guns and launch into action.
I mean, I always pretend that I am going to go ahead with whatever it was I planned to do. I get some supplies and start carving out the details. Once, I managed to borrow a keyboard from a friend who has played piano for over 15 years with the intention of teaching myself. I even bought a children’s learning book for an added flair to the scheme. This ruse lasted about two months until I realized that I am no prodigy and required some form of instruction in order to progress. However, I never took the next step to find a teacher. The keyboard eventually found a home back in its box, in the corner of my bedroom, and sandwiched between the dresser and the wall. Now, some years later, my friend is missing his keyboard and I still can’t play the piano.
This is just one example of many times that I have either ignored or sabotaged my own potential because of my inability to follow through. What is really strange about this particular tendency, is that never quite beginning or following through with a task used to really bother me. I used to be racked with anxiety until I realized that I was actually afraid of success. I always asked myself, “what if I fail and fail miserably?”, but I realized that wasn’t the real question. Some more honest questions were (and still are): What if I succeeded? What if I start something and it goes well, and I am forced to hold myself to some measurable standard? What if I am not as awkward and inept as I have lead everyone to believe? What if I succeed at first and it’s too difficult to maintain? What if I am capable beyond belief and people hate me for it? …I don’t want people to hate me for it.
Marianne Williamson writes in her book, A return to love: Reflections on the principles of a course in miracles, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” I believe we have all been raised in a time were the greatest feats seem to have already been accomplished and there is nothing left. We can’t compare to the people around us let alone those that came before us, so why try? Who are we to stand in the annals of time juxtaposed to Caesar, the Buddha, or Queen Nefertiti? Who am I to bring about devastating change even if the change is only within myself? These are the questions posed by our (definitely my own) subconscious that keep us stagnant. These are just some of the questions that we must challenge to face the fear of greatness and move forward.
At some point over the past couple of months, I began to confront my feelings of insecurity and self-imposed inadequacies. I am learning to challenge the toxic thoughts that provide excuses to rarely start, to never follow through, and to remain undisciplined. I have come to the realization that I need discipline to change, and that sometimes being disciplined means recognizing where I have no discipline.
I am continuing from there.